The Dementia Diaries:Tales from an unprepared carer

It has been two and a half weeks since I lost my wonderful, kind and caring mother and became an unexpected carer to my lovely father who lives with dementia.

Mum had fought a long and hard battle against cancer, but her death came quicker than any of us anticipated. Even the health professionals who were caring for her were taken by surprise.

So my new role as a carer for my dad wasn’t completely unexpected. In the months before mum died I had had promised to look after dad after she was gone. The day before mum passed away, she was admitted to a hospice for pain control and dad came to stay with me. We anticipated a short stay in the hospice followed by many more weeks or months in which we would gradually make proper plans for the future.

I knew that the day would come when mum was no longer here. In my head, I had assumed that dad would stay with me and eventually would agree to come and live with me permanently. Although this would not be a perfect arrangement, there was no perfect solution, and this way I would be able to more or less carry on with my life and dad would get used to being a member of our household.

What actually happened was not what I had imagined at all. Just hours after leaving mum at the hospice, I received a call in the middle of the night to tell me that mum had passed away in her sleep. Dad and I visited the hospice to say our emotional goodyes and came home, completely shellshocked.

Several cups of tea and coffee later, I was at a loss to know what to do with myself and suggested that we could go for a walk. Dad thought for a moment and said that he wanted to go home. He wanted to see his friend. All I wanted to do was be at home with my own family, but I realised in that moment that dad did not want to be here. He wanted to be back in his own home and would not settle here, so I packed a suitcase, repacked dad’s bag and we set off back down the motorway to his home. I felt totally cast adrift and was so grateful when my eldest daughter agreed to come and stay for the night to give me the emotional support I so desperately needed in that moment.